On this, the 1st anniversary of Bailey's death, it is time to return to the journal section of this site to record some of the experiences of the year just gone.

The emotions we feel today are very often as raw and painful as they were when Bailey died. Of course, the memory of the whole day is vivid and can be replayed in our minds at any moment, but that is not to say that we are in no way better than we were at the time of his death. The all numbing bewilderment of the immediate aftermath of his death has diminished. We can talk about our first son with love and affection and it does not always end up with us breaking down in tears, although it often does. Even when we do shed tears for our boy we no longer feel the total desolation which we once did.

We can look to the future and see something instead of the nothingness that was once all we could see. The year we have had has had some backward steps, as we had been told to expect. The death of our son was, and is, and will forever be a desperately sad thing to think about. Michelle and I had made plans to mark Bailey's birthday with the release of a balloon, however this private little event never took place because we spent New Years Eve in hospital trying to wrestle with Michelle's blood pressure and other symptoms of pre-eclampsia prior to the birth of our second son Ben on 5th January. Ben, like his brother was very early but he had the advantage of a further 4 weeks in the womb. Michelle had been given steroid injections early enough and at the correct spacing for them to take full effect and so when Ben did come into the world he was starting off so much further forward than Bailey had almost exactly a year previously. By comparison Ben was flying, but we never allowed ourselves to slip into complacency. Sometimes it was difficult to be optimistic when we knew what had happened to to Bailey.

After a few tentative probing questions to the staff in the Special Care Unit where Ben was being cared for we began to understand each other and settled into a good working relationship.

Michelle and I are determined that despite the urgings of some of our friends and family and other people we know, we will not forget about Bailey. He was a mighty little man who showed so much spirit in his short life that the word 'heroic' seems to fall short of describing his fight to stay with us. No, we will not be forgetting Bailey. Actually the opposite is true, we will celebrate him and encourage others to get to know him through these pages. We owe it to him to be as determined as he was in his life in our efforts to let people know just what we have lost.

Ben will get to learn all about his big brother and hopefully he will become as proud of him as we are. We will always remain conscious that Ben will grow to be his own man and we are equally determined that he will not grow up living in the shadow of his brother. As we will do with Courtney, we will do with Ben. They will both be encouraged to reach their full potential in whatever they choose to do. Bailey's courage and his achievements will be as examples to them, but never set as standards they must reach or be damned. I think we have learned a lot in the last year about a broad spectrum of things. We have learned most about ourselves. What has been constant is our love for our son, Bailey. God bless you wee man.