I would if I could

I can still feel the heat that filled the room,

And still smell the soap I scrubbed with,

I would still react if I heard "X-ray please

And still perch on that stool.

I can still hear the machine pumping away,

And still read the dials and displays,

I can still hear alarms and buzzing lights,

And still see the monitored pulse.

I would still help to soothe my kicking boy

And still staunch the blood from his heel.

I would still comfort my raging son

And still rub his crumpled brow.

I would still drink the water and read from a book,

And still will my boy to survive,

I could still make the phone call in the dead of night

And still speak of doctors with praise.

I would help with his nappy, or washing him down,

And I'd help while they put in new lines,

I would sing to him when we were alone,

And he would ignore me again.

I can still see him refusing to look until the light was dim,

And I'd catch him slyly sneaking a peek,

I would tell him that his dad was here, and how I'd always stay,

And he'd raise his eyebrow to agree.

I could get from the car park to ICU without having to open my eyes,

And buzz at the door to be let in, in my half conscious haze,

I could smile as they greet me and usher me in,

To my boy in his perspex house.

But my boy is not there, and I visit no more,

But I would 'til I ended my days,

My son was a big man, courageous and bold,

A winner, up 'til the end.

So now we must mourn you, for all of our days,

And wonder what might have been,

Our son, so tiny, yet so full of life,

Inspiring to all he had seen.

Written by Bailey's daddy, Nigel.