It will never be the same, never. As a bereaved parent, you have often heard or said these words to express grief and profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course that seems both unchartered and endless. Bewildered, you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say "never the same" This is the aspect of grief that Simon Stephens calls "The valley of the shadow".It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between, it is not supposed to be a permenant resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose. The key to this transition is you. You must choose between life and the valley. You and only you can decide and you must make that decision again and again, each day. Giving in to the hopelessness of the valley is tempting. Choosing to move on towards life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief in order to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt and self-doubt, but it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the valley. Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress towards the other side of the valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives expected. Far longer than you had believed, even prayed that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live, but also how to live, you will know that you are leaving "The valley of the shadow". There will be still more work to do, more struggle and choosing. The valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you. When you have resolved your grief by re-investing in life, you will be able to realise that nothing is ever "the same". Life is change. We would not have it to be otherwise for that is "The valley of the shadow." Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery. Life is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

This was a reading that baby Adam's (www.totsites.com/tot/adamellerslie) mum gave to me. I think it was read out at a grief share meeting.

Would you let me talk about my baby that died?

Would your heart be open to all the sadness that’s still inside of me?

Would you listen as I would tell you of the joy he gave to me?

Would you want to hear about his sweet beautiful, perfect face,

The toes and fingers that were all there?

Would you change the subject when I told you about his naming ceremony shortly before he died?

That they took off all the wires and tubes and that his life truly was coming to an end?

Would your face change when I told you that in my arms, he died?

Would you get up and walk away from me if I just had to tell you more?

About the perfection I held in my arms for such a very, very short time.

The tears I cried could have made a river as I had to let him go

Would you help to wipe away the tears as I told you more?

About the months he’s travelled with me in my heart and in my mind

Would you hug me and just listen about the pain that I endured?

Would you just be there quietly open to all the feelings I may need to express?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you have passed the test So many others could have failed and I would be alone, with no friend to share my precious son's life. I can’t and won’t forget him and I need to be able to talk about him. He is very real and precious to me. And you just passed the test.

Written by Sheryl Mc Mahon, Mummy to Alison Hannah, one of Bailey's angel friends.

Since Bailey died I have felt guilty when i laugh or find myself enjoying something. Somehow it feels wrong, like I'm letting Bailey down. A friend told me this story.

A little boy went to heaven to be an angel. One day his mummy got to talk to him . "Are you happy in heaven?" she asked him. "Oh yes" he replied "heaven is a really wonderful place". "And do you play with all the other boys and girls?" she asked. "No" he replied "I'm too busy carrying my buckets". "But surely you must get time to play with all the toys"?, "No" said the little boy "I have to carry my buckets"." What's this all about" she asked "Can't you set your buckets down sometimes and play with all the other angel's?. The little boy looked at her sadly and said "I'm too busy, because you see when you cry mummy, I gather up all your tears in my buckets and Jesus puts them in a bottle.That's my special job and it keeps me very busy.

How often do I wonder

How often do I wonder

when I'm all alone at night

Are all our angels sleeping

Tucked up warm and tight

Have they played upon the clouds

That we see high above

Their innocence and beauty

Wrapped up in all our love

How often do I wonder

In the stillness of the night

Why can't our angels be here

For us to kiss goodnight.

A Gift From God

An Angel was sent from Heaven above

A special one that would bring much love

God knew that this precious life would be short

So he looked around for a tender heart.

He made his choice and the gift was sent

In what seemed like a moment, the angel went

Leaving treasured memories and a heart full of pain

A void, an abyss, tears flowed like rain

But.........

Wait a moment, I wish you could see

The wonderful thing thats happened to me

Jesus was waiting, His arms opened wide

And he and his angels brought me inside

Such a beautiful place I cannot describe

A new home from the moment I died.

I'll wait here for you, so dry up your tears

And go bravely on with your life free from fears

Know that Gods near you to help and to guide

He'll never desert you, he's there by your side

So speak to him daily from inside your heart

And let him assure you, we're never apart.

We thought of you with love today,

But that is nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday,

And the day before that, too.

We think of you in silence,

And often speak your name.

All we have are memories,

And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

With which we'll never part.

God has you in his keeping,

We have you in our hearts.