Well Bailey, had you been born when they said you would be, we would be celebrating your first birthday today. Things should be so so different. We should be surrounded by screaming children and balloons. Instead we have a grave to go to. Instead of buying you a birthday cake we get to buy you flowers.

I wish so much that things could be different and that we could hold you in our arms today.We will always hold you in our hearts though and no matter how much time goes by we will never ever forget you.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

I see your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young

Like a story that had just begun

The death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the pain that I've been through

Just knowing no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?

Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family?

I wonder, what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

I'm down on my knees again tonight

I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right

See, there is a boy that needs Your help

I've done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired

I'm sure You can understand

Each night as he sleeps

She goes in to hold his hand

And she tries not to cry

As the tears fill her eyes

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place somehow

See, he's not just anyone

He's my son

Sometimes late at night,I watch him sleep

I dream of the boy he'd like to be

I try to be strong and see him through

But God, who he needs right now is You

Let him grow old, Live life without this fear

What would I be, Living without him here?

He's so tired and he's scared

Let him know that You're there

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?

Please don't leave him

He's my son.

Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...

Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".

So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..

And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...

Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...

And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...

Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...

You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...

So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....

Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...

You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.

For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....

And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...

And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...

We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..

We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...

For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...

So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...

That I am always close to you.... For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.

I will always be with you Mum....

Happy Mothers Day Love,

Your Angel in Heaven.

Bailey

Bailey, I believe that all the way through my pregnancy, you looked after me and your baby brother Ben. Ben is now very sick and we can't get to be with him until tomorrow. As his mummy, there is nothing I can do for him, and that hurts a lot. Please look after your baby brother tonight and keep him safe for us until our plane gets us there tomorrow.

Ben can and will never take your place. You were our first born son and we will miss you until the day we die. The pain of losing you will be there forever. Your song says 'You'll be in our hearts....always' We chose that song for your funeral because the words said it all. Please know that you will never be forgotten and we will bring Ben up to always know you.

So Bailey, please draw near your brother and give him a kiss from me. Tell him to fight and come home to his mummy, daddy and big sister, where we'll always wish you could be.

Love you forever.

Mummy

xxxxxx

On this, the 1st anniversary of Bailey's death, it is time to return to the journal section of this site to record some of the experiences of the year just gone.

The emotions we feel today are very often as raw and painful as they were when Bailey died. Of course, the memory of the whole day is vivid and can be replayed in our minds at any moment, but that is not to say that we are in no way better than we were at the time of his death. The all numbing bewilderment of the immediate aftermath of his death has diminished. We can talk about our first son with love and affection and it does not always end up with us breaking down in tears, although it often does. Even when we do shed tears for our boy we no longer feel the total desolation which we once did.

We can look to the future and see something instead of the nothingness that was once all we could see. The year we have had has had some backward steps, as we had been told to expect. The death of our son was, and is, and will forever be a desperately sad thing to think about. Michelle and I had made plans to mark Bailey's birthday with the release of a balloon, however this private little event never took place because we spent New Years Eve in hospital trying to wrestle with Michelle's blood pressure and other symptoms of pre-eclampsia prior to the birth of our second son Ben on 5th January. Ben, like his brother was very early but he had the advantage of a further 4 weeks in the womb. Michelle had been given steroid injections early enough and at the correct spacing for them to take full effect and so when Ben did come into the world he was starting off so much further forward than Bailey had almost exactly a year previously. By comparison Ben was flying, but we never allowed ourselves to slip into complacency. Sometimes it was difficult to be optimistic when we knew what had happened to to Bailey.

After a few tentative probing questions to the staff in the Special Care Unit where Ben was being cared for we began to understand each other and settled into a good working relationship.

Michelle and I are determined that despite the urgings of some of our friends and family and other people we know, we will not forget about Bailey. He was a mighty little man who showed so much spirit in his short life that the word 'heroic' seems to fall short of describing his fight to stay with us. No, we will not be forgetting Bailey. Actually the opposite is true, we will celebrate him and encourage others to get to know him through these pages. We owe it to him to be as determined as he was in his life in our efforts to let people know just what we have lost.

Ben will get to learn all about his big brother and hopefully he will become as proud of him as we are. We will always remain conscious that Ben will grow to be his own man and we are equally determined that he will not grow up living in the shadow of his brother. As we will do with Courtney, we will do with Ben. They will both be encouraged to reach their full potential in whatever they choose to do. Bailey's courage and his achievements will be as examples to them, but never set as standards they must reach or be damned. I think we have learned a lot in the last year about a broad spectrum of things. We have learned most about ourselves. What has been constant is our love for our son, Bailey. God bless you wee man.

Where did the year go since you left us?

And why is the pain so raw?

Your loss can stop us in a moment,

And tear us like a falcon’s claw.

The pain reflects our love for you,

And the love’s as deep as the grief,

One emotion replaced the other, you see,

Or so we thought back then,

But the love still flows out from our hearts,

And parallel to the grief,

We know that now, love never dies,

It simply marches on,

And though you’re not here with us

You’re still close to us, our son.

We hope you have some peace now,

We hope you’re far away from pain,

We hope you’ll love us from your vantage point,

Until we meet again.

Bailey, we would give everything,

To have you here again,

But we know that our daily dreams of this

Will forever be in vain.

And so, our son, our fighter,

Sleep sound with idle arms,

For your battle is now over,

And peace will reign again.

I'd like for you all to remember the good…
You know that I'd be there if only I could.
So don't feel so bad that I'm not there
There are so many memories you can share

As you gather together, I'm sure you'll find
The gifts deep within you that I left behind.
Each one is unique and wrapped brightly in love
They shine from your hearts as I shine from above."